the story of a biopsy

 

 i have my mammogram each year in october.

breast cancer awareness month

"to help me remember"

as if i'd forget

after having caroline at age 35,

my midwife noted upon my follow up that my breasts

"felt different" and since breast cancer runs in my family

i should have a baseline.

had the baseline mammogram & got a callback.

if you've been around this blog long enough, you know cancer scares me to death.

i went to nursing school 

specifically

to take care of people with cancer.

i know enough to frighten me.

that followup ended up being in october

& turned out all clear.

about 6 or so years ago

i had a scare with pre-cervical cancer,

so usually my annual appointment is what has me all of whack.

i didn't think anything of going in this past october for another routine, annual mammogram

until i opened the mailbox to find a note saying

"your results are inconclusive. please call your doctor for a follow up".

{i'll be honest, i hadn't felt a lump.

the mass they found was about the size of a jelly bean

and within muscle striation

which sounds huge but i have always had fibroids so i always feel little lump things.}

of course that takes a couple weeks to get "in".

so i go to place A for a mammogram #2.

two weeks later, find out something has been detected

& i will need to schedule an ultrasound.

two weeks later i walk in to place B for the ultrasound.

scared to death at this point.

the girl calls me back for the ultrasound.

she definitely did not win "miss personality" for her senior superlative.

she blandly tells me i'll either 

1. receive a report card after my ultrasound letting me know when & if i return

or 

2. will wait to speak to the radiologist if needed

she starts the ultrasound 

& asks a few bland questions.

then she stops in one area

one area that apparently is sore when she's pressing down.

i'm suddenly aware of how cold the room is. cold & dull.

i'm just watching the clock on the wall above me.

she's saying nothing.

nothing at all.

for over 20 minutes.

i find that i feel a little panicky at this point.

she stops the ultrasound & says, blandly of course

"i'm going to get the doctor. i'll be right back"

ok, few good things ever come out of..."im going to get the doctor".

i want to sit  up & tell her

that "going to get the doctor" was never mentioned as one of my options.

it was only the report card or get called back

NOT

going to get the doctor.

i laid there fighting back the tears 

looking at that damn ugly clock 

& mumbling over & over 

please lord, no.

she walks back in & blandly, of course,

says "well, looks like you have a fibroadenoma.

it's not cancer. you should be glad. you'll need a followup in 6months".

i start to sob.

sob.

she does nothing.

i'm thinking 1. thank you jesus

& 2. woman, a little compassion would be nice here.

two days later my doctor calls & recommends a second opinion.

she refers me to breast cancer specialists at northside hospital.

she tells me they are wonderful & highly respected.

that they specialize in breast disease ( & i'm thinking, yeah, and cancer too).

by this point we're in november

& i'm starting to get a little more concerned.

i call & make an appointment.

this facility is fantastic.

i'm told i may be here for several hours.

i upload instagram on my new phone

& take pictures of the ladies rocking bag sitting beside me in the waiting room.

i go back for my ultrasound.

this girl clearly won "best personality". she was awesome.

i already felt better.

& the room wasn't freezing & no gosh awful clock on the wall.

i go back to see the doctor.

who, let me insert here,i come to find out

is one of the best in the country.

that her patient load had recently been decreased.

her husband was the head anesthesiologist at another hospital here in atlanta.

it was "a miracle" that i got in with her.

she was wonderful.

she reassured me over & over that she truly believed

this lump in my breast was indeed 

a benign fibroadenoma

but because of the size she really recommended a biopsy.

i was there that day for over 6 hours.

dan drove me straight to lunch for a margarita and tacos

& on to anthro for a little retail therapy.

i'm getting the hang of instagram by this point.

since she was going to a conference

the earliest i could back in for the biopsy was mid december.

sigh

i spent a lot of time in prayer those weeks.

i called in the big gun prayer warriors & asked for prayer and peace.

i was booked solid for photo shoots during october through december

& really needed to focus on work

not fear.

it was Thanksgiving

& i truly wanted to be a thankful person.

not just thankful if my results were going to be clear.

but thankful even if they showed up cancerous.

i confessed to jesus

that here i was again

all knotted up & fearful of cancer.

but this time i felt a sense of peace.

i would quote to dan over & over...

ok, so the specialist thinks i'm ok. so i'm probably ok, right?

i listened to praise music over & over.

i tried to not touch the lump in breast & see what it felt like.

i tried to not think that every sermon on "bad things" wasn't a pep talk for my future.

i focused on my work & rested in Him.

i went in middle of december for my biopsy.

the ladies were all so wonderful there.

i suggested ear phones playing adele and complimentary post biopsy mimosas

should be part of the deal.

i mean really. 

you're laying there wide awake, while the doctor sticks needles in to your breasts to numb them

& then a who's your daddy size syringe for the biopsy.

i'm thinking adele & mimosas are not too much to ask.

turns out the lump leaked fluid.

i'm told while she's holding pressure on my breast & getting a different vial

to put the results in, that this is " a good thing"

but that we'd still need to send out the findings to make sure there are no abnormal cells.

she puts steristrips on the incision & a tegaderm.

tells me not to run for several days.

it's december 15 & she doubts i'll have my results before Christmas

but "try not to worry".

i leave feeling maybe a little better

but fragile none the less.

i pass on the trip to anthro this time.
 

Christmas comes & goes

& i'm trying not to worry

but i keep my phone on me at all times, waiting for the call.

the last week of december

almost three months since my annual mammogram

i get the call...

it's all clear. 

no cancer.

i walk over to dan & just stand there in his embrace & sob....

& apologize for being such a scaredy cat

& go up to my room & drop to my knees thanking jesus.

i'll still go back this summer for a follow up.

i know countless women go through this process every day.

i know while most of them end up being fine

so many do not.

i am thankful we live in a time where we do have screening.

we do have places that specialize in treatment

& there are people who are called to take care of those 

who end up having to walk through the disease.

my grandmother did not.

just a friendly reminder,

schedule your mammogram

& your pap smear each year....