Monday, August 25, 2008

Sweet Emily

Sweet Emi
How very proud i am to be your mama
You bring such a precious tender spirit to our family.
You are loyal & kind.
You never say an unpleasant word about anyone
You always give others the benefit of the doubt
You still hold my hand
You are beautiful

I hope one day you realize just what a very very special gift you are to me. You see, I found out I was pregnant with you only days before daddy Gregg found the lump that proved to be cancer. He received his chemo & treatment the entire time I carried you. I was so worried something might go wrong....that my stress would harm you, that the chemo exposure would hurt, and most of all~ that you might not meet your daddy. He hung in there literally until the day you were born. I think that he was the more important patient that night at the hospital. But sweet Emi, he did get to hold you & what joy you brought. He passed away when you were only 10 weeks old. For the first few years, your outgoing silly personality was just like him. Your sweet hearted personality continues to unfold &
I love watching you mature
~~ I love you.
Happy Birthday Sweet Emi,
you are my angel!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

something going on for everyone

August has been super busy around here as I'm sure its been for you.
Here is a little bit of what's been going on these last few weeks~~

first of all, i'm so proud of my sweet guy....he begins his promotion to Assistant Principal at Berkmar High...home of 3,200 kids! he worked so hard all year on his post-graduate & i am so excited for him!!

~ on our way to the Chicago / Doobie Brothers concert (which was actually in July ) Yes, Caroline's birthday is in March, but she really wanted a pool 5 months later, here we have it!

one of her absolutely adorable friends!
Did I mention that surely I have earned some 'cool mom' points lately?
For starters...& this is big....Caroline picked out all her birthday goodies by herself...funky flower invitations, butterfly balloons, hula girl plates & napkins, & store bought sponge bob cupcakes....oh gosh.....years ago, we would have had matching everything & certainly NO sponge bob ( of all creatures ) store bought cupcakes.....they say the youngest child has all the fun! I guess having a mom loosen up on details that no one would have even appreciated is a start :)
This precious child turns 12 tomorrow. She had her party a few weeks ago..... several of her girlfriends over for dinner, bowling, trip out for icecream & a sleep over...whew! She is getting this, these filled with goodies & one of these in raspberry fizz! She is the sweetest thing & now she has started middle school with 1800 other children. Oh I pray they don't eat her alive!

Took these two girlies to the midnight release party of Breaking Dawn.....midnight release party, midnight. & I had a Beth Moore conference the next morning.
Still trying to prove my cool mom case.
The cool mom situation that sealed the deal.....
~ordered American Idol tickets for Savannah & me
~sold my American Idol ticket to Savannah's bestie so they could enjoy a night together.
~checked girls out at 10am to attend alledged groupie signing extravaganza
~orchestrated the major carpool situation for my other girls & their after school activities
~ordered 8x10 glossies of the idols, packed our sharpies & my camera ready for autographs
~stood outside in the 90something degree heat for 3 hours before finding out the Idols were being interviewed by Larry King for Friday night's episode & would NOT be coming out
~lurked around the venue in true desperate groupie form for another hour as my 15 year old hoped & hoped they might change their mind.....thanks Larry
~did NOT get my picture made with Brooke as planned....& I was having a really cute hair day
~did not get David Cook's signature on Savannah's new verizon NV
~took the girls out for chinese
~found out that meanwhile...Caroline was home with Dan & she had a stomach virus
~waited as they changed into concert worthy clothes and then drove home in traffic....without seeing the concert ( sniff sniff) , without my picture of Brooke & me, feeling really bad for Savannah who had waited on & planned the whole meeting of David Cook for months
~found out when I arrived home that Savannah & bff entered a "who has the worst seats contest" & they WON!! they were upgraded from the nosebleed section to 4th row!!!!

(one very happy girl mere feet away from David--that's him in color)
She was certain he was singing specifically to her :)
We've also been gettting geared up for football season!
This year she will cheer varsity & varsity competition so we have loads of fun to look forward to.

Savannah 4th from left with her fellow sophmores

I was able to catch this last shot~ all the varsity sophmore girls throwing back tucks (savannah 4th from right) which is exactly what i might do after i get through the next couple of weeks!

Thursday, August 14, 2008


i can't thank you enough for each of your words of encouragement. i received many private emails from some of you sharing your similiar stories. i told one friend, it's amazing what you discover when you let your guard down~ allow others to see a glimpse of who you really are and the things you struggle with. inevitably, you will find many others who come along beside you who have traveled the same road.

when the nurse first called and told me to come back for a biopsy , i had no idea where my original results fell on the medical continuum. obviously, fearing the worst case scenario was the route i went with. ugh. i hate that i do that. fear & anxiety just flat out robs you.....robs your peace, your joy, even robs your day. i have spent a good portion of the last several days writing out scriptures on 4x6 cards ( actually, a cute 'real simple' brand little thingy from target). it disappoints me that it often takes a crisis to get me back on my knees in constant prayer. anyway....the results showed an area of moderate level dysplasia-precancer....he reassured me that i do not have cancer but do have an area that will need to be removed . i will need to have outpatient surgery that i haven't scheduled yet.

i pray that my imaginations & fears will not get the best of me. that i won't sprint all the way down the road of the dreaded what if's---i think everyone, but especially mommies can relate to the fears of what if's as it relates to our children & the time we spend raising them. our days can change in the blink of an eye....for good or for bad. i pray that i can fully live in God's grace & be the mom & wife He's called me to be, each moment of each day...nothing more , nothing less.

thank you again sweet friends~ you are a blessing to me!

Isaiah 40.10

So do not fear, for I am with you.

Do not be dismayed for I am your God.

I will strengthen you & help you.

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

The doctors office called yesterday to tell me they need to see me again today for some further tests. I had an abnormal test result several weeks ago & now more tests and a biopsy needs to be run.
I wish I didn't , but i struggle with fear as it relates to health situations. Not just worry but flat out fear. Funny thing, being a nurse & all , you'd think i'd have gone into a different profession. Ignorance is bliss.....

I guess it must have started after Gregg died. It was just one of those things I didn't see coming but fear began to creep in my heart. Someone has a headache & I think brain tumor. Someone has an upset tummy and I go straight to a major g.i. issue. I have had "minor" issues in various different areas for the last several years.
Two years I asked my doctor for "something" to help me as I really felt like I was struggling with anxiety for the first time in my life.
He told me to take up ball room dancing.
Ball room dancing.
In that moment, I wished I could have given him a great jerry seinfeldesque response, but I think I just laughed and said "sure, i'll give that one a try"-- hrmph.
I wanted to rattle off all the times I had handled stresses in my life without needing medication. I wanted to tell him I had been a widow for crying out loud.
Ball room dancing.
Besides leaving that day without any new perscription , I vowed I would have new mercy for friends struggling with anxiety or depression issues.
I've been ok. Cutting out caffeine-cold turkey was about the only major element that changed....needless to say, so did my doctor. I no longer feel as anxious as I did two summers ago but I still battle my fears. I don't like who I am on those days. I much prefer to be my joyful self & when I'm an knotted up with fears it just dominates my every thought.

Its a busy day today. All my girls have their open house back to school events--at three different times & three different schools. My doctors exam is smack dab in the middle.
This morning my precious Caroline came in and woke me up. I'm usually up long before her, but not today. She sweetly came in & told me she had been reading "The Secret Garden" and that she was already on chapter 6.
" I found out what happened to Mr Craven's wife....she died in an accident....there is a wet spot on my book from my tears".
I could just squeeze that little little muse.

Pictures from last night and her new sassy hair cut. Came home with loads of ant bites but some great pics too.
Have a blessed day!

(ps- sweet kristin, thanks for the great edit at the top! you are the best--xo)