Sunday, July 26, 2009

say what you need to say....

She drove away today
no, she didn't run away
she didn't even leave for college
but she drove away.....on her own , for the first time

we've just begun another chapter in our life
& in our relationship
one of rapidly growing independence
she didn't leave for college today
but i'll blink my eyes & we'll be there

i have two years left with her in our home
will i have 'done it right' that day when she does leave?
research shows the majority of the influence we have on our children is done by the time they hit 12 years old
i'll be quite honest, with three of my girls past that point, i frequently, no daily, wonder if i've done it right & usually feel like i have failed.

this summer she & i have a had a rough time
mainly due to miscommunication & misunderstanding
& this has broke my heart
i would dare to say that most severed relationships stem from one of these.

she & i are much alike
first borns
both usually feeling we are right
& lacking patience
& maybe a little stubborn, just a little

i feel like i've dropped the ball
i've let this summer fly away where i really should have just stopped
stopped & hugged her
stopped & apologized
stopped & told her how proud i am to be 'Savannah's Mom'
refusing to let another day go by with unresolved issues
& i plan on it
i told her last night that i want she & i to head out , just us two for a little time together before school starts back.
with a large busy family it has seemed a little overwhelming to make sure both dan & i get one on one time with each of the girls
but i need to do this
i need to say those important things
i need to make sure that when that day arrives
when she really does drive away
i feel like i did it....that i did it right
as much as i could
& that she leaves with her love tank full,
confident that i love her & that i'm always on her team
i love you sweet girl


Farmgirl Paints said...

What a sweet post Paige. Are you trying to make me cry?? I feel your pain friend. I know I feel the timeline and they are still really young.

May you make the most of your time with your precious Savannah. I'll say a little prayer that she'll be safe too...ugh. Driving!

mimi charmante said...

Paige, she is absolutely gorgeous, and I have a feeling you have done a far better job at filling her love tank than you realize. You are an incredible mom, and any child would be so very blessed to call you mom.

Sandy said...

oh my goodness! This is so good.
I have been thinking some of these same thoughts and facts, too.
You did wonderful putting it in words.
I've got to go be with my daughter who just got home for a few weeks, and with my husband, and finish getting ready for church.
Thank you so much!
Have a great day!
Oh, the pictures are beautiful!

Jeanneoli said...

I know we have talked about this before...that is why I am crying reading this. I hope your girls read your blog so they can read in black and white how you feel! This is a tough job. When you care as much as you and your husbad do about your girls there is no way that they won't turn out ok. I am so sorry this has been a hard summer. Love you!

Team Houston said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes! Your family is blessed to have you. I often wonder if I am being a good Mom for our girls??

I enjoy your blog and how real you are, not affraid to share. I learn from you and enjoy your blog so much!

Your photos are great.

Have a good day.


Jodee Leader said...

Paige -- This is such a sweet post! I am sure you have done a great job raising her. She is so lucky to have you for her Mom. Parenting is such a hard job and we all do the best that we can.

I love these pictures too!

Sherry S. said...

Paige, having long past my daughter's age of impact, at least as her mother, I am now in the stage of contentment. She, Amie, is now 28 and the mother of 2 precious little girls herself. I remember experiencing the feelings you write about from the moment I first held her in my arms. I wanted so much more for our relationship than what I felt I had experienced with my own Mom. I think the thing that made the difference was that I was willing to admit mistakes when I made them, that there was possibly another way of facing growing up difficulties and of making myself available to my daughter. I didn't let old notions and old ideas of "what would people think", and "how will this look to _________" bother me. I made sure everyday first she knew I loved her and that I was proud of her. There is not always instant gratification for all of your hard work, but it will come. For my birthday this year she wrote me a letter about everything I did right. About what she learned from me, and what she is passing along to her own daughters. It has been the most wonderful birthday gift I have ever received from anyone. I read it daily and thank God for this most precious relationship. Yes, I have good relationships with my 3 sons, but nothing like with Amie. It is easy when they are small and growing up, the hard part starts now. Remember to stand back and give yourself credit for all you have done with and for her, she is one of your greatest accomplishments. I remember when you first announced you were pregnant with her, and how you were so concerned whether you would be able to be a good mother and how was this little child going to change your life. You have definitely excelled in Motherhood. I would worry if you didn't question your ability to be a mother. Previously, those firsts, the first step, the first word, the first day at school were memorable, but now the firsts become more important. You will look at them in a different light. Now they are a measure of success, not just hers but yours as well. So celebrate!

Julie said...

I love this post, Paige. A reminder to remember how quickly time flies and to do my best at doing things "right". My oldest is so much like me too. It scares me some times. :)

You are a wonderful mom. Thank you for sharing your heart.


Jen Kershner said...

I could totally have written my post. The week after we get back from our vacation she and I are going out just the two of for shopping and lunch. This mom daughter thing is so much harder than I realized. And teenagers are so much harder than I realized. Wish I could hug you. Wish we could to out for lunch and pour our hearts out and help each other get through this time. Our girls will be leaving our nests at the same time and I feel like we have so many of the same issues and worries. My Maddie will drive away for the first time on Aug 20th. I'm not excited. Love, Jen

Maria Hanson said...

Paige, You're leaving me misty, no weepy. Thanks for your refreshing honesty. I love this blog.

Janelle said...

You just said exactly what I wanted to say about my own kids. We have the same mother's heart as do so many others. I have to admit, it's a little scary. I just have to trust the Lord and put them in His hands. Where I fall short, He can make whole. By His grace...only by His grace.

Amy said...

Being a mother is a holy experience bordering on the divine. It wrenches character from us as we grind through the transitions from nurture to release. You are a beautiful mom. And your girls will all eventually parent their own in the same generous light of love. Hats off to you Paige, if it didn't hurt or if it was too easy, it would lose the significance of being the most important influence of time.

Cathy Louise said...

Well my dear, sweet and gorgeous friend... I think you are an amazing mum...I don't know Savannah but I know your 2 middle girls and they are 2 of the sweetest kids I have ever had the pleasure to chat with...As we all know kids have got to remember we are human too and sometimes we are not perfect but I know as a mum you try your hardest to be the best mum you can be and I am so sure they love you for that....Don't worry I have actually only got just over a year now before Kirstie finishes so I am feeling all the same feelings...and every day I say all the same things to myself and some days I can assure you I get it all wrong!!! But we wouldn't trade any of it would we lol!!!! Love ya my dear friend XX

Erin said...

I was doing OK... until I rolled down to the photograph with you & Savannah... then I got teary! As a Mother of 4 sons, and now a little daughter, I learned a great deal from your words. Some of my boys are grown too... one is in heaven now. And they are such a joy to me! Still, sometimes I feel melancholy about mistakes I have made. I guess if we felt indifferent, we wouldn't really be putting our whole hearts into mothering, would we? I am certain that some day, Savannah will read this, and her heart will be so grateful for you. And she will feel such tenderness and ache for HER daughter. It really is a "circle of life", isn't it?

stepforddreams said...

Paige have you seen this yet?

Laura Trevey said...

very beautifully written...
so sweet too!

cammy said...

Paige, you have such a gift for writing. i have been having similar feelings with Harrison. we only have three more years with him at home, and i want to make the most of them.

it is very obvious from your blog that you are an incredible mom, and i think your girls know how lucky they are to have you as their mom.

Enjoy your time with Savannah on your getaway. I will say a prayer for you.

Jboo said...

Such beautiful photos of your lovely oldest daughter! Those high school years and the letting go, bit by bit, are very hard on us Moms and our kids. I'm sure your love and guidance is felt by her and will show her the way, even through the tough times. You're an incredible woman and Mom - take care.


Lissa said...

very lovely paige! such a great reminder of what my priorities should be! I know it's quite a bit younger but my baby starts kindergarten in the fall. No more pre-schoolers. Now I have elementary aged kids. It's already going by so fast. I don't want any more regrets either! It's hard, isn't it?

Tara said...

Paige, she is gorgeous and no matter what she chooses in life, you have influenced her in a big way...she has learned from you, she admires you, she has a part of you in her and she always will. Take peace in knowing that we do as much as we can and give them wings to fly...hoping they will land softly...

Ramona said...

With tears running down my face...let me tell are a good mother. The very fact that you care so much about this lets her know how important she is to you. You have built a wonderful foundation and are raising a strong and smart woman...this is hard and painful work but the most important and joyfull work on the planet! God bless you...and hang in there fellow Mom!

Smiles ~ Ramona

Kari said...

wow I get tears in my eyes..
what a beauty full saying and what a great pictures....ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS...

Firefly Hill said...

Oh I feel for you Paige! I have five years left with my Hannah in our home and I think of it all the time. I am sure Savannah knows how much you love her because you seem like one terrific mom to me! She looks like a beautiful confident young woman and that comes from you!


Anja said...

Hi Page,

your blog, your family pics show so much harmony and love that I am pretty sure you are doing everything the way it should be done.

Don't worry too much.

I am glad I coincidently stumbled upon your blog while surfing through the web.

I also just send you a note on facebook.

Many greetings to you from Germany.


Krista ~ Bits and pieces said...

Oh Paige, You wrote what my heart feels everytime I think about how quickly the years are passing by as I watch my daughter get older, wiser, more confident and need me less~ and she is only 5.

Thank you for gently reminding me to cherish each day



traci said...

what a beautiful post paige. she is a gorgeous girl. i am sure that you have done right by her. that is the age when some bumpy times start. it's hard. it will break your heart. but it will be ok. believe me. my daughter is 19. we had some bumpy times then but they went away. they are back a little again now. but i know we will get through them. enjoy your time together.

Jennifer said...

I am crying as I read this.  My boys are younger (6, 8, 10) but every day these same questions run through my mother always told me that I would never understand untill I had children of my own....boy was she right!!!!!  Your girls are beautiful and have a beautiful mother who I am sure is doing a great, great job!!!!

Tracey said...

Your family is beautiful! And the words you wrote here are beautiful!! You did such a lovely job of expressing your feelings, I'm sure you will have no trouble finding the words to keep yourself close with your gorgeous children:)


Lisa said...

I have been following your blog for a couple of years now and you are a wonderful mother and have such a special bond with your daughters. The teenage years are always the hardest. I hope someday I am wonderful, caring mother the way you are. Your emotions pour out of you and it is so beautiful.

Sherree said...

You have such a sweet family. Thanks for visiting my blog. This post brought tears to my eyes.

Suzanne said...

You made me cry. How precious. I have 2 girls, 14 and 12...and i think these thoughts also. Thanks for sharing!

Kasey said...

I'm here. I"m here!
I know you were like..where the heck is that kasey.
you do what you can do and hope that you did the best job in raising her..{which i know for a fact that you did}. I am all for the date good and healthy for the on one.
at least she didn't have a boy in the front seat as she drove off...

Kasey said...

what a sweet post to her also....
I would cry buckets if my mom wrote something like that to me.

Kasey said...

i've been meaning to ask you if lola could come for a few weeks and stay with you.

Kasey said...

do you need some wine?

klawellin said...

Very Beautifully written...It brought tears to my eyes. I have a 10 year old Daughter and the part where you said once they hit 12...struck a cord with me. My mind has wandered there with her as well. Although, I am not on the same chapter with my daughter as you are...I Understand the feeling.

May you have the QUALITY time with your daughter before she leaves...and by the looks of it you have done an EXCELLENT job as a Mother!

A new follower from AZ,

domestic bliss said...

great post- well said- it is SOOOO hard to be a mom.

3 Peanuts said...

Oh sweet.. We too try to do one on one dates with our kids and it gets hard with all that we have going on in our lives but it is so important. O love your humility but from where I sit you seem like an amazing Mom...just saying. I look up to you and being the perfectionist kinda gal I am ...there are not too many MOms out there these days that I do look up to. your children all have a look about them of inner peace, joy and goodness....I know it is only a blog and what do I really know but that is ow it looks to me:)

Rachel said...

I know I'm a little late, I've been on vacation and haven't done much blog reading! Beautiful make being a mom sound so rewarding and precious. I can't wait to have those feelings about my own children one day!