Thursday, August 07, 2008



The doctors office called yesterday to tell me they need to see me again today for some further tests. I had an abnormal test result several weeks ago & now more tests and a biopsy needs to be run.
I wish I didn't , but i struggle with fear as it relates to health situations. Not just worry but flat out fear. Funny thing, being a nurse & all , you'd think i'd have gone into a different profession. Ignorance is bliss.....

I guess it must have started after Gregg died. It was just one of those things I didn't see coming but fear began to creep in my heart. Someone has a headache & I think brain tumor. Someone has an upset tummy and I go straight to a major g.i. issue. I have had "minor" issues in various different areas for the last several years.
Two years I asked my doctor for "something" to help me as I really felt like I was struggling with anxiety for the first time in my life.
He told me to take up ball room dancing.
Ball room dancing.
In that moment, I wished I could have given him a great jerry seinfeldesque response, but I think I just laughed and said "sure, i'll give that one a try"-- hrmph.
I wanted to rattle off all the times I had handled stresses in my life without needing medication. I wanted to tell him I had been a widow for crying out loud.
Ball room dancing.
Besides leaving that day without any new perscription , I vowed I would have new mercy for friends struggling with anxiety or depression issues.
I've been ok. Cutting out caffeine-cold turkey was about the only major element that changed....needless to say, so did my doctor. I no longer feel as anxious as I did two summers ago but I still battle my fears. I don't like who I am on those days. I much prefer to be my joyful self & when I'm an knotted up with fears it just dominates my every thought.


Its a busy day today. All my girls have their open house back to school events--at three different times & three different schools. My doctors exam is smack dab in the middle.
This morning my precious Caroline came in and woke me up. I'm usually up long before her, but not today. She sweetly came in & told me she had been reading "The Secret Garden" and that she was already on chapter 6.
" I found out what happened to Mr Craven's wife....she died in an accident....there is a wet spot on my book from my tears".
I could just squeeze that little girl....my little muse.

Pictures from last night and her new sassy hair cut. Came home with loads of ant bites but some great pics too.
Have a blessed day!


(ps- sweet kristin, thanks for the great edit at the top! you are the best--xo)


























37 comments:

CJ, the Purple Diva said...

Oh Paige,
I am so sorry to hear you are struggling with fears. I know what that feels like as I have suffered with panic disorder and agoraphobia most of my life. I too am afraid to seek medical help along with many other things. For years I never left my house. Bless your heart. I hope that they will give you something for your fears. And whatever test they are doing again, I hope those turn out well. I will keep you in my prayers for strength and comfort.
The pictures of your baby girl, are just so precious. She is a doll inside and out! What a precious gift she must be to you.
My thoughts are with you.
(hugs)

Kristin said...

I am just 100% here for you my friend and praying hard. I pray you feel peace in the midst, I pray you completely healthy, I pray you feel no fear and if you do at all that you just scream "God, thank you for getting fear gone!" I pray you joy in your day even with all you have going on. Know I am here always. I pray you feel the wonder of God in the presence of this challenge.

I love these pictures and love the new Caroline haircut. So sweet!

jackie said...

Oh my gosh, Paige....Caroline is growing up ! She looks so much more mature that even that last pics you posted from your vacation.
She is an absolute doll ! LOVE, LOVE the haircut. I love her spirit that you write about.

I am praying for you & your tests & appt's. I am praying for you & your fears. I can identify w/ anxiousness and depression, from after my brother passed away. (Don't know if you remember, but he also passed away from cancer at age 44, leaving a wife & 4 kids behind).

I have a new outlook on people who need medication & a new understanding of why it is used and how it works.

I try to remind myself that God is not the author of fear or confusion. I pray that you will rest in God's assurance that He will take care of you, no matter what.

BTW...did you ever take up the Ball Room dancing ?? :-)

Much Love to You,
Jackie Carl (Marion, IN)
jscarl@indy.rr.com

Pixel Fairy Princess said...

OMG Paige - your plate is full and your fears and anxiety justified. I hope that by the time you read this - you have been to the doctor and find some relief. I will be praying for you my friend.

Ladybug hugs,
;D

Heather H said...

prayers for you today Paige. i'm also a worry/fear person ... i fight it EVERY day.

whatever is good, holy ... dwell on these things today Paige.

worry adds nothing to your life ....

these are my mantras these days in a world of insecure jobs for bankers!!! (my hubby is a banker)

please keep us updated on how to pray. for now .. i'm just praying for peace.

xo
HH

Carly said...

Lifting up prayers for you right now! Dear Lord, please provide Paige with releif from her fears and anxiety. Put your comforting arms around her and her family as they deal with the unknown. Surround her with Your love and mercy.

My thoughts are with you. Thank you for having the strength to share your fears. Your girls are just beautiful! That Caroline has one of the sweetest smiles around! Please keep us posted on how you're doing.

Present Past Collection said...

Blessings upon blessings being asked for you today. Prayers of peace, comfort and healing. How wonderful to have a faith that will see us through the many trials of life and the sisters near and far who care. Hugs, Heather

Jboo said...

Hi Paige -- Oh my -- your photos are gorgeous -- of course, your little one is so adorable! Love the new haircut -- she's such a good little model for you, isn't she! And what a sweet, tenderhearted girl you have there -- probably a lot like her Mom.

Hope you will start to feel better and your doc is more understanding and helpful! Take care.

Janet

HeavenlyBliss said...

Paige,

I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling. My heart goes out to you. I work in a large internal med practice that sees hundreds of patients every week. I go through the paperwork for insurance and I see the diagnosis of depression, stress, and anxiety constantly. It breaks my heart. There are so many different faces and walks of life dealing with these symptoms. You just never know who is dealing with something..and it just reminds me never to judge others..and to pray for them. Little do they know when they're standing at my desk..I am praying for them. It doesn't matter who you are, what kind of job you have, how much money you make..etc...it happens to alot of people for so many different reasons. I have been there myself as a single divorced parent who is just trying to stay focused on raising my family the best way I know how. It is truly a blessing to know that you have so many family and friends looking out for you...or praying for you. Sometimes people you don't even know! So please know that in the midst of my ordinary, busy life...I will be praying for you! Thank God for our blogger angels too! Oh...and lastly Caroline is so adorable in her new haircut & sundress. My 9 yr old daughter thought she was such a cutie pie!

Have a blessed day!

Gina(from Illinois) :-)

3 Peanuts said...

Oh sweet Paige,

You have been through SO much. I would be surprised if you did not have some fears. I hope ti all turns out well, Please let us know. I am praying for you and I am here if you need someone to talk to (you know I have a background in that;)

LOVE the photos of sweet Caroline and her sassy little haircut.

Hugs,
Kim

julie said...

I hope everthing turns out OK! I could just imagine the fear! I would be the same way! I pray that He brings peace to you at this time of fear! I love your little girls new haircut! She is so great with taking pix! Julie

Chris and Deb said...

Paige.....you will certainly be in my prayers! You definately do have a lot on your plate with school starting, 4 schools, adnormal test results....just being a busy Mom to 3 girls.......it is completely understandable to be a little anxious and panicked! I hope you can enjoy a relaxing weekend!
Blessings and hugs!
Deb

BTW...the pictures of Caroline are just precious!

Chris and Deb said...

oops...meant to say Mom to 4 girls and 3 schools! :)

Jen said...

Oh Paige, You are such a sweet soul. I can feel your spirit in your words. I know what a struggle life can be. You will be in my prayers. Take strength from the beautiful family of yours. Thanks for sharing such a personal matter, it helps us all know that we are never alone!
Love,
Jen

Cottage At Dove Canyon said...

Paige, sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time. I wish you a clean bill of health and peace. And that doctor with his ballroom dancing...please!

Kate said...

Paige,

I am so sorry that you have this health concern now...I am lifting you up in prayer, and will continue to do so until you get the all clear.

As a relatively new reader to your blog...so much I don't know...but I am so sorry for your pain, your loss. I am sorry that when you asked for help, your doctor, for whatever reason, chose a response that is indeed puzzling and some might say, negligent. And hurtful. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but espeically someone who has obviously experienced so much pain...I am just sorry that happened to you.

Your pictures of sweet Caroline are so engaging. THey are just stunning. She is darling with her infectiousl toothless grin and sassy little haircut....she just pulls you into the photos!! Your photography and editing continue to inspire me so much.

Paige, please take care. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing so much of your self on this blog. I count you as a blessing in my own life in so many ways...

Kate

Becky from VA said...

Paige,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I know what you mean about the nurse thing. Every (normal) bump, bruise, stomach issue, etc. is major at my house too. Your mind just goes there. Sometimes it's hard to stop it and the worry/anxiety that comes with it. But, ballroom dancing - are you kidding me? Thank goodness you found another Dr.

Love, love, love Carolines new haircut. I am about to show it to my Caroline. She is too cute.

Thinking of you and hoping today goes well.

Jennifer said...

I'm praying for you girl. Anxiety is a really problem for a lot of people. As a catholic, I find it very reasuring to know that anxiety is such a real problem for so many people that it had to be added to the Eucharistic Prayers. (These prayers are the high point of the mass.) The preist says, " In your mercy keep us free from sin and protect us from all anxiety as we wait in joyfull hope for the comming of your kingdom." I find this prayer helpful in my times of anxiousness.

God's blessings to you.

Jennifer :)

P.S I love your photography. You rock girl.

janae said...

Sweet Paige~
I will pray for you...God will take care of you - no worries. Caroline looks so grown up...she has matured hasn't she? The story about the book, so sweet...Hugs to you!
Janae

Anonymous said...

You are not alone, dear lady. There are many of us who struggle with fear, anxiety, and depression.

Mine began when I started into menopause. Up until then, I had handled lots of stress throughout my life, including a major illness without difficulty.

Since I have had BC, I can't take hormones. Medication, for depression and anxiety, does help, but isn't a complete cure. So, I do empathize with you.

You are not alone and I wish you all the best.

~elaine~
roz_etta@yahoo.com

Clare said...

Oh Paige, I will be thinking and praying for you. I know that we all have fears, and I think you are completely normal to feel worried and scared. That doc needs some help with being a little more sympathetic and supportive!

Caroline looks so cute in the pics. I love the ones with her laying in the grass and with the dog. Beautiful!! XO, Clare

She's So There said...

So praying for your peace and joy to return, I lived in fear for so long, only this April did God help me liberate myself from fear and help me realize that He indeed is there even in the worst of times...with Lil's death how focused is a test result...dear Paige, God promises you healing and a whole healthy mind....trust Him...lean into Him...He so loves you! (and I have grown to love you and yours too!)
Praying daily for you,
Shan

Southern Sugar said...

Sweet Paige, I will keep you close in prayer. About both the tests and your fears. I have struggled with anxiety before severely and it still slips up on me every now and again. Thats terrible that your doctor treated you that way. I remember mine telling me he had the same problems when he had to get up and give a speach once. NOT the same thing! Please seek another doctor, it took me a while but I did find one that listened and didn't make me think I was crazy. I have recently had 2 friends that have undergone second and third tests and both were false positives and they were fine. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on you own understanding. Prov. 3:5. I do not share that with you to convict you or make you feel badly for feeling anxiety, I share it with you because it was a source of help to repeat that to myself when I was going through that. I know its hard to do sometimes. I printed it out on little cards and put it on my vanity mirror and over the washer and on the fridge door and wherever I had to spend a little time or knew I would be reminded of it. If you ever need someone you can contact me. Sometimes unless you've walked through it its hard to understand, it helps to talk with those who've experienced it. Bless you! xo, nicole

Robyn said...

Paige!
WHAT did that MD tell you...that was so uncalled for! I work in a hospital and I have never heard something like that...hhmmmfff!
Silly man!
Well darling Paige first off you are in my prayers and sending you warm thoughts during this trying time for you!
Love the pics! Always fantastic and the hair cute tooboot!
Love ya!
Robyn

THE TATTERED NEST said...

Your little girls face makes me smile! I can relate to the fear thing...I keep trying to just accept what is and breathe! some days harder than others...I hope all goes well with your health issues...hugs,Gail

Jodee Leader said...

I, too, am so sorry to hear about your abnormal test results. I hope you get good news soon. I think you have every reason to be a bit anxious.

Love the pictures of Caroline and her new sassy "do!" She is definitely model material to me!

3 Peanuts said...

Paige...checking back to see how you are doing...let us know when you can:)

Anonymous said...

Sweet Paige~I am sorry you are having a hard time! I will pray you will find the peace you need to stay strong during this time of uncertainty! I know WE NURSES fear the worst but we are also well-informed and that is a gift! I will be thinking of you!

Sharon RN
PS. LOVE LOVE LOVE THE SASSY CAROLINE HAIR and the poses are just precious!

For the Love of Cottage said...

I don't even know how I found your blog but I have spent the last hour or so reading it and everything you have been through. You have the most beautiful spirit not to mention outer beauty as well. Your daughters are stunning. I too am a Christian and I hold on tight because this world is a scary place. Your baby girl is absolutely one of the prettiest little girls I have ever seen. I can see how God has abundantly blessed you through all your tragedy. I will pray for you and for your health issues. I would love to have you visit sometime.

LeAnn

carolyn peeler said...

Paige, I hope that all will be well with you.
I will be praying for peace for you.

cammyk said...

Praying for peace and comfort for you. Hugs, Cammy

Jennifer Paganelli said...

love her new dress!!! and that sassy haircut!!! You and she also look smashing as do all your girls in LILLY!!! I'll say a little pryer for your Dr's visit..xoxo Jennnifer

Jill said...

She has the scrunchiest little nose I've ever seen!!!! I'll keep your medical issues in prayer.
Blessings,
Jill

Anonymous said...

Paige,
You are an amazing blessed girl. I'll pray that God will keep you strong and comforted through this time of worry. God will look after you and keep you warm.

Emily said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Emily said...

Hi Paige,
This is the first time I have posted but I wanted to say I found your blog through Cottage Bethy's blog a while ago and just love to read yours! You are a fabulous photographer, with an absolutely gorgeous, sweet family. Your photography is absolutely breathtaking and how lucky you are to have such a beautiful family to photograph!

I am so sorry to hear you are struggling, you are also in my thoughts and prayers. I too am a nurse and can completely understand your thought process in this! I too think the same way.......especially when it comes to my children. It drives my husband nuts! Your faith will keep you strong, the Lord will walk you through this every step of the way. He loves you....just pray, pray, pray your way through this!

Emily

Brenda said...

Hi Paige (btw. I've always loved the name Paige) I was "hopping" around some blog spots and came across yours. I just want to say, "keep your chin up, and never give up!" I lost my 2 sisters to cancer, and I would always tell them, "As long as there is life in you, there will always be hope" So keep on hanging on to hope for brighter days. Wishing you well, from Northwestern Ontario, Canada
Peace and blessings
Brenda