Wednesday, May 07, 2008

tears



I just got off the phone with Lil.

She has been feeling so emotionally up the last few times we've spoken that her fragile voice caught me a little off guard.

She tells me that her cancer is terminal this time....the doctor didn't want to use a number but told her it would be considered a stage 4.

~~that took my breath away~~

I can't imagine her tender heart right now. She's beat this nasty ole disease many other times. I'm certain she's never been told her diagnosis was terminal.

Our little conversation went back & forth between talking about the soup made by a sweet friend that I'll bring by tomorrow, to her feeling like "all these doctors appointments" aren't doing any good, to she wants to weed her yard today because it might rain tomorrow, to the fact that there is no cancer in Heaven.

Her sweet hubby was sitting right beside her. I tried to picture what his sweet facial expressions were ( yes, he has creases in his face from his perpetual smile). I've been in his position before.

I've sat there while the doctor explained to my loved one that the cancer had spread & was worse than they expected. I've sat there as my stage 4 loved one talked about trips we would take ( someday....) to where "all the papers" were kept.

I wonder if despite his full day of being Lil's primary caretaker & just the business of getting it all done, if he ever lets her see his tears fall.

I never did.

I'm not a crier.

I don't like to feel that whatever I'm dealing with is bigger than me....I much prefer the days when everything is in its place & as it should be.

But today as I sit here typing these words , the tears are falling.

I hate for her to feel ( even if its just today) that she is loosing hope.

I want her to continue to balance ( as hard as it is) between preparing for what may come however hanging on to hope~


that's all I have in me right now..........

32 comments:

jackie carl said...

Crying with you, Paige.

You are all in my prayers.

Love,
Jackie Carl, IN

paige said...

thank you jackie--you always leave the most heartfelt comments.
it means so much to know you care
xo

Kristin said...

Know my heart is with Lil and your family. So, I pray for hope that only comes from Christ. I pray that as God prepares her heart in faith for whatever He has for her, but that she still keeps light in her soul for hope, but sees faith beyond reality. I pray for healing right now still, but hold an quiet whisper of prayer for His will. You know, not that I am trying to be glass half full girl, but Lance Armstrong's cancer was that bad too and look at him now. Even more so, I saw Gregg fight valiantly, even though God had other plans, Gregg still went to see Christ fighting and in that he showed people Christ big and he changed lives because of that. I have seen Lil and she has always presented this strong spirited woman and a woman of faith. She is tenacious, so there is still hope. No matter what.

janae said...

Oh Paige, I am so sorry to hear about your Lil. I will keep Lil and family in my prayers. Hugs to all of you.
Janae

Bella's mama said...

Paige,

In recent months I found your blog, much to my delight. I had intended to comment soon to introduce myself to you and let you know that your post have been a blessing to me. When I checked in today I knew I could wait no longer.

Please know that your family is in my thoughts and will be added to my prayer list.

Hugs from a sister in Christ,

Krista

Yes, Minister... said...

Hugs - dear friend - hugs.
I will pray that God give you strength and courage and the same for Lil. Know that in these time that we weep, God is listening, and you are so strong, and have been through so much. I lost my father so many years ago, when I was 12, to cancer and I know the agony and pain. I can remember my mum taking us to Piedmont Hospital like it was yesterday. Look for comfort in others, but trust in Him - our great physician. You are in my prayers.
Please let me know if you need anything - I'm just on the other side of town and I will come if you call.
Ladybug hugs,
;D

homedaisy said...

i am aching for you. my mind wonders...do you fight, or surrender? how do you know his will in the midst of overwhelming emotion at these kinds of time? so i guess that is my prayer, that lil will know his will. God bless.

Preppy Pugs said...

My mother has been fighting cancer for the past 3 years. I know the pain you feel for her. I try to remember the poem "Footprints in the Sand". Especially the last verse " The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Heather H said...

tears here paige reading your heartfelt words.

prayers for you and all of your family as you fight this battle.

love.

Ers said...

thinking of you and we will be praying.

Jboo said...

So very sorry to hear that news. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way. Take care.

Janet

FrenchGardenHouse said...

Paige,

I am lifting up Lil and all of you in prayer right now. Tears.
Kristin put it all so beautifully.

There is always hope. You and your family will be in my prayers and my heart.
xo Lidy

Bella's mama said...

Paige,

Last night, I left my comment, in an effort to hold you up and to let you know that your circle of prayer was bigger than you might imagine. Today, you made my day when you left me one in return.

Thank you!!!!!!

Krista

cammyk said...

Dear Paige..my heart aches for you. I will continue to keep Lil and your family in my prayers. xo

Kimber said...

I am so sorry Paige. My heart and prayers are with you and Lil and her hubby. I could actually picture his smile lines as you described them. Praying for hope for them too.

Kim

Sandra Evertson said...

Sending out good thoughts and wishes across the miles.
Sandra Evertson

Cstargel said...

Oh paige, I'm just so sorry.

Praying for you -

She's So There.... said...

We will pray for strength and thank God for the healing of hearts, body's and minds and for strength...for peace and time shared together in His midst as a family. God is good...all the time....and Lil is most certainly loved by Him....as are you...thank you for letting us pray with you.

Southern Sugar said...

Oh Paige. My heart aches. For all of you. I will keep you close in prayer. Please tell her we are praying for her.

Jodee Leader said...

I, too, am so sorry to hear this news. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

chriskauf said...

My heart aches for your families pain.
My thoughts are with you.

Tesha said...

Oh Paige, so sorry. I'm still praying for you all. Hugs sweet friend.

Blogs by Danielle said...

Oh Paige I am so sorry. When I read those words my eyes teared up. I was stunned. I still am. I expected good news.

My heart is breaking for you, for Lil, for your whole family.

I will be praying for all of you.

Hugs,

Danielle

CJ, the Purple Diva said...

Oh how I wish I were there to give you a hug, make you a meal, or bake you a cake.
My heart is so full of saddness for you and your family.
Our prayers are being sent to heaven for you and your family during this time.
oooo

Jake and Taryn said...

Prayers for all of you Paige. I am so sorry. I knew what this post was about as soon as I pulled your blog up. I too know what it is like to sit there with a stage 4 loved one. No words can describe that. Praying for strength, comfort...and hope.

Taryn

purpleflowerfairy said...

i'm so sorry, for all of you... you are in my thoughts and prayers. debbie

Bella's mama said...

Paige,

I hope that your Mother's Day is Blessed.

Hugs,

Krista

THE TATTERED NEST said...

hugs and prayers coming your way, just as you left such kind words on my blog when I lost my Mom...I pray for peace within Lil.

Rita said...

oh ((paige)), i'm so sorry. you are such a dear friend. i just love your heart. praying for Lil. xo

She's So There.... said...

Happy Mother's Day Paige....and Lil...and enjoy each precious day....We are praying for you and yours.
hugs hugs hugs
Shan

Karen said...

So sorry to hear this news. Please know your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

Karen

Robyn said...

Oh how I have missed this blog! It is wonderful to be back blogging! Just wanted to pop in and say hello!
Hugs,
Robyn

P.S. Paige first off I just wanted you to know I think you an incrediable woman! I love coming here and catching up. I so very sorry to hear about Lil! She is and will continue to be in my prayers. My heart aches with yours dear Paige. Love you to pieces!