~~hope~~

up until march 1996 i had a lived a charmed life

i had a happy childhood

i loved my highschool experience

my parents were still married & obviously still loved each other

i was a young healthy mom

owner of my own small business

working as a nurse in pediatric oncology

i spent my weekend teaching aerobics & running 10k's

i was married to a wonderful man

my husband gregg was the vision of health

best friend to many

successful college career in track & basketball

a triathlete & an avid skiier

a brilliant teacher & a wonderful youth pastor

our world turned upside down when the doctor told us he had cancer

we might do well if he survived the 5 year mark

we ended up with 9months

i learned during those months what i could hope in

i could hope the doctors could heal him

i could hope the medicine would work

i could hope in the power of positive thinking

i could hope in being 'happy' & the "he's young, he'll beat this" said by many

i could hope in the fact that everything else in my world had always worked out

i could hope in pastors who preach health & wealth

who lead you to believe that praying hard enough

combined with the "all things work together for good"

will surely bring good health

but honestly i knew the only thing i could hope in was my heavenly father

in a God whose name & character was not

dependent on the outcome of gregg's battle with cancer

whose promises are true

whether everything is seemingly all right with the world

or when that world is actually crumbling down

i'm ashamed to admit this

but scriptures had always just been beautiful poetry

stories that while i was familiar with the characters

i didn't truly feel connected with god's word

there were many many days when i honestly felt i could loose my mind

i felt like i was walking a tightrope

where any slight change

or shift would cause me to come tumbling down

& never arise again

the cliche take one day at a time

was way too grand

i was barely able to take one hour at a time

would gregg have another seizure?

when would emi need to nurse?

was it time for madison to nap?

had anyone played with savannah?

did i pay the bills on time?

supper?

i asked friends to write out scriptures for me on 3x5 cards

i carried them everywhere

when i would sit at a redlight

my mind would start to wander

anxious thoughts would begin to creep in

i'd grab those scriptures & read them out loud

over & over

i knew i wasn't alone

i knew He was with me

i knew He cared about me & loved my 3 little girls

i didn't know what my future would hold

i never prayed for a new husband

not once

maybe i was afraid to put my hope in a seemingly happy ending

but truthfully i didn't want to put god in a box

i didn't want to have the mindset that falling in love again would

right all wrongs

would make my world perfect again

but amazingly he did send dan

i think most of you know how much i love this man

how much i don't deserve him

& all his goodness

but i want you to know

that even if he hadn't sent my sweet dan my way

i would still know He was with me

that He was faithful & true

that He is the only one true thing to put worthy of hope

i wanted to share this part of my story

for you in you are in a place that doesn't make sense

if you are in a place where you feel alone

or that the answer you're praying for doesn't seem to be the one you're hearing

you have someone you can hope in

i don't tell you these things because i think i did a great job during those years

i did what anyone else would do

get out of bed

breathe in

breathe out

take care of my babies

love those around me

& lean on Him

every minute

of every day

this was us

just a few weeks after gregg passed away

christmas 1996

& these were my baby girls that year

a few weeks ago my youth pastor asked if i'd do a quick video testimony

i'd love to share it with you....

please pause the playlist on the right

Stories of Hope-Paige from gfc.tv Videos on Vimeo.>

i apologize

this entry has no images of a decorated home

tips for shopping

or holiday recipes

its not even my post on Hope

{coming monday}

i leave in a few hours to head out

with dozens of leaders

& over 400 middleschoolers

(which incidentally is only a portion of the of those that show up every sunday morning & wednesday evenings at our church)

to go camp

thats right

i'm headed to camp

& i'll be honest

i've prayed all week that the Lord will get me fired up about this

or better yet,

send me a 24 hour stomach virus

that would not only drop 5lbs off me

but would render me helpless

as a camp chaperone

sorry...true confessions

i'm a former night owl turned

total morning girl

& i need my warm comfy cozy all white shabby chic downcomforter bed

not a sleeping bag

(we are in cabins...did you think i meant camping....like tent camping?)

besides the fact that high's tomorrow will only reach 41

that's minus the windchill &

the predicted snow

(insert, non camping southern girl here)

are you getting the picture?

each night the events are scheduled to midnight

good lord

that's only a few hours

before my internal alarm is going to go off

i'm feeling very ill prepared for this level of fun!

but i'm here to tell ya

i woke up today

& really feel like the lord has given me joy about this weekend

i'm excited

i'm driving myself,

savannah & her bff

( i drew the line...no bus riding with said 400 middleschoolers)

honestly

spending time with them is one of the things i'm completely excited about

you see

the vision our youth pastor has

is on wednesday nights

over 1,000 kids show up for the most awesome night of the week

there's loud music

& crazy skits

our youth pastor teaches them each week how God uses folks in the bible

former prostitutes, murders , adulterers

the list goes on

& how He redeems them & uses them for GREAT things

we break into small groups

& the highschoolers teach the middle schoolers

they prepare all week for this time

i am priveledged to be the adult leader for the group savannah leads

i am blown away proud of her

& how she loves on these girls,
teaches the word &
lives an example they can follow

blown away proud

as i thought about what i might prefer to be doing this

first weekend in December

i felt a shift in my heart

is this weekend convenient for me?

not at all

but if i get the chance to love on even just one child

whose home life maybe isn't so great

who hasn't seen the love of God lived out in their world

then perhaps

what better time that the first weekend in December

to teach them about Jesus

& how he loves them

& that's always convenient!

we're gettin' there

why is that the day before thanksgiving

is simply

the day before Thanksgiving

a relaxing day just making sure i have all the fixin's for the feast

then

somehow

the day after Thanksgiving arrives

&

bam!

i wake up & realize

that despite my best intentions

i feel a little bit of panic start to creep in

all the things that must be done

in the next 20ish days or so

start flooding my mind

usually the weekend of Thanksgiving

i'm finishing up all the decorating

several packages are already wrapped

& hanging out beneath the tree

but this year

i've only bought 2 gifts

which are not wrapped by the way

i worked a double shift this past weekend

we were out of town for the funeral of a precious relative

whose military funeral was nothing short of breathtaking

& we celebrated my sweet Dan's birthday

but

this morning when i awoke

{early--the new me, thankyouverymuch}

& walked downstairs

the wonderful fragrance of a live frasier fir filled the air

& gently reminded me

its all good

it'll all get done

& my focus isn't on "all of it" anyway

this week marks the first week of advent

~hope~

& my desire is to truly focus on just that & be reminded of

how much the Lord has blessed me & my sweet girls

i'm hoping to get an entry about hope up before the week is out...

but if not...( get the entry done that is)

the tree is up

the lights are on

just waiting for the girls to arrive home

& decorate it

&

all is well

my decorating is intentionally simplified this year

goodness...if i had to chose my word for 2009

it would certainly be simplify

so in keeping with that theme

i left multiple boxes unpacked

i pulled out simply what i wanted to use this season

& without any guilt

put the rest

all away

even the dozens of dept 56 Christmas Village homes

much to caroline's dismay

i'm using creamy whites

mercury glass

some burlap

greenery

& vintage paper shred here & there

this antique silver platter is filled with a few vintage sheet music pieces

an old key & crystal from an old chandilier

vanilla candles

they're there...just realized you don't see them in the pic

& in the evening looks simply lovely

when the light flickers

each year i really change things up

& each year i like the final effect

but this year

might just be

my most favorite

& just in case you were wondering

everyone loved the ginormous bowl of vintage ornaments

in fact

its probably my favorite decoration in our home!

hope to share some pictures soon

xo

these last couple pictures are not of christmas decorating...

but just a few things i added that will blend well with the neutral wintry look i'm going for

some silvery white spray painted branches from the back yard

that i thought i'd just use during the fall , but love 'em so much

they're staying for Christmas!

thankful

{these images are not from 1996 ...but made the post nonetheless}

thanksgiving 1996

one of the most memorable thanksgiving holidays ever

let me explain~

my husband gregg had passed away just two weeks prior

the girls were all tiny

& honestly

might have not even realized it was a holiday

but the Lord had blessed us with a precious family

the Lewis's

Joyce had stood beside me the night he passed away from me

& basically was beside me

well

anytime i needed her

she had lost her best friend to cancer a few years prior

she was a kindred spirit to me

a friend who had walked this road with another loved one

she was strong for me

& she was joy for me

anyway

that holiday

they invited me & the girls

plus my parents

to join them as they celebrated

i don't remember if their home was spotless
or if the leaves were blown off the driveway

i don't remember what dishes were used

( you know...the things we all worry about)

i don't remember alot from that day

but what i do remember

is the amazing feeling of love

of being protected & cared for

by a precious family

who made me & mine feel like one of theirs

i have much to be grateful for

an endless list of things i don't deserve

many things i know i take for granted

but i pray i am cultivating a grateful heart

in me

&

in my girls

i want them to know that even during the darkest days

the Lord provided for us

that thursday in november

1996

the Lord loved on us through the generosity of others

i pray i can do the same

i plan to write a note to my friend this week

& remind her how much i treasure her

how grateful i am for her

a handwritten note

not an email

or a facebook message

not even a phone call

but a note

a stamp

a walk to the mail box

i encourage you to do the same

think of someone

maybe someone you don't touch base with on a regular basis

that has blessed you

take a moment

write them a note

& thank them

i wish each of you a very very Happy Thanksgiving

a risky move

this is the first thing my family will see as they arrive home today from school
i'm bettin' you just might hear the collective groans ringing through blogland

honestly
i just pulled out a few boxes
i'm using very little this year
i use less & less each year
this year is no exception

i'm keeping it clutterfree
yet festive
mostly white
{shocking}
with some silver , gold & burlap of course

but i love my colorful vintage ornaments
lovelovelove
& i just placed a bunch in this funky bowl thingie picked up in Seaside this summer
placed it on the table
just to get an idea of how it would look
because
its huge
H.U.G.E.
really huge

& by golly
i thought it looked so fun
that i'm leaving it there
was planning on waiting until thanksgiving evening
but i'm living on the wild side

the first should arrive home within the hour
wish me luck

well hello poor neglected blog.....

we officially kissed savannah's cheer season goodbye this weekend.

after advancing to the sweet 16 ,

they finished 11th in the state!!!

it brings me so much joy to see my child in her element with this great group of girls!

i'm usually up to my elbows unpacking Christmas decor by mid november

(much to the dismay of my children)

but this year i've had several project deadlines to meet

& have hardly put any thought into decorating.

plus, its been in the high 70's for a week which makes me feel more like laying out in the sun vs. putting up a tree!

but have no fear....this weekend all the fun will begin.

i love to have it all up & twinkling by Thanksgiving day.

usually this "behind" feeling would have me all anxious & flustered

but i'll be honest

my goal is for the next several weeks to be a

peaceful

focused

purposeful

season

free from self imposed business

some things can't be avoided

i'm well aware of this

but i'm praying the Lord will help me prioritize

& have a home that is grateful for so much

~~

i'd love to share with you a few things that i had ordered from Kasey & Ruth

that arrived last week!!

both packages were filled with wonderful fragrance
& beautifully packaged

what a treat~

this french postal bag is exactly what i've been looking for

& even my girls gave me a thumbs up

I could fill an entire sofa with these gorgeous pillows....

few fall glimpses around the house~


primative dough bowl filled with silvered (huge) pinecones

a blurry picture of my pheasant tureen

one of my fave little pieces from rebecca sower

who i would give anything

to have 1/smidge of her talent

my fragile antique turkey salt & pepper shakers

& this image doesn't have anything to do with fall decor

but i have loved this little shade from anthro

& never could find the perfect place for it

(if i only had a few wall sconces....sigh)

until this morning when i just plopped it right on top of an empty candlestick

tada

state finals

I'm so proud of the girls. Parkview's competition squad came in 2nd place in their region & are headed to the state finals this weekend.

Here is their routine from last year which earned them top 10 in the state!

Let's go Jungle Cats!!!

{{pause the playlist}}

ps--just in case you wonder....

SMK is one of the bases in the first basket toss at the beginning of the video...

you can follow her from there!

bittersweet

she's one of my favorite people
ever

she moved a couple of years ago & i miss her terribly

we hadn't touched base in a while
but i had heard through the grape vine that her daughter's "kate" had finally arrived from china
following years & years of praying & eagerly awaiting her arrival

her reply was bittersweet

she was overjoyed that precious kate was here indeed & adapting beautifully
&
her own precious hubby
had been diagnosed only days before with cancer

& i quote my precious friend
"He ( the Lord) was not surprised.....He ( the Lord) is going to use this for His glory"

katie is one of the women in my life who i have been blessed beyond measure to call my mentor
she is a precious woman who selflessly lays down her life
each day
for others, for the precious ones she calls family
some born from her best friend that has gone on to heaven

she has taught me to love my girls in many many tangible ways

i quote her again
"I have found it freeing to drop off every commitment I have and just love and care for my family. That is my primary job and my delight."

that took my breath away
honestly , is there any greater calling?
i think not

in that one email i could just hear her precious little voice giggle with delight as she shared about her new grandbaby
& yet i could also see the tears form in her warm eyes as she told me about her beloved.

i do not take it for granted that i have been blessed to be surrounded by many women who have mentored me over the years.
some in a weekly discipleship
some in kindred friendship
some just by witnessing their lives from the sidelines of daily living

all of whom i could call today with a burden on my heart
& i know
beyond a shadow of a doubt
would lift me up in prayer
would rally around me & utter words i may be unable to even speak

katie
kitti
elaine
fran
jeanine
carol
regina
nancy
kay
joyce
susan

almost every one of them has faced some form of:
cancer
divorce
financial devastation
infidelity
abuse
a prodigal child
depression

i attended her funeral
& i also attended her funeral too
i have been discipled while her son was in a drug rehab
i have seen her start her life over
i have seen her build her dream home
i have seen her lift her hands in praise to the lord despite recurrent breast cancer
i have heard her prayers for her husband to heal
i have hugged her after her double mastectomy
i have cried with her as she talked about what her girl's life might be like once she was gone
i have seen the face of Jesus in EACH of them
& i am forever changed
they have molded who I am today


i encourage you to find your "katie"
the woman who has gone before you in life
who parents the way you hope to parent
who loves her children despite their public mistakes & failures
who stands beside her husband
who loves others
who is never too busy to pray for you

& i encourage you to be someone's "katie"
even for those of us who question what we could offer a younger mama
the Lord will use YOU
come along side & build her up
tell her you're praying for her

& remember sweet katie
its my turn to pray for you today
i love you

~~the glorious leaves~~

That night was the turning point in the season
we had gone to be in summer
& we awoke in autumn;
for summer passes into autumn
in some imaginable point of time
like the turning of a leaf



Thoreau

.....BOO!...

well alrighty

since that lost post was a little wordy

i'll switch gears & show a few more little glimpses of fall at our home

& try not to be so wordy

these little velvet pumpkins are all the rage this year.

there were some kits available on olive juice but i think she's sold out...i'll be sure to hook up early next year with her because i think i need a charcoal, brown, & orange one too

i probably should be ashamed to admit this, but i am so in love with jennifer lanne's paintings & in my own oil painting class i copy them...yep i do....flat out copy....her use of color is fantastic & since i'm not selling them ( duh....) & i am giving her all the credit for the inspiration then this is more of a confessional right? surely its not illegal if you just 're-create' them, keep them hidden away in your own home, but give the original artist all the glory...right? oh i do hope so....





little bit with my over the top cute penny mcallilster pumpkin man
he's huge
& then below
she's a little disenchanted since its empty
of candy corn....
oops
another confession











some oldies
pre-digi days

& a couple of my fave costumes

emi as twister girl

& smk and buddies as M & M's

& finally one of my favorite images of my girls

sadly

my little baldy was starting to get sick that day

{guess i was so busy trying to get them all to smile

that i didn't notice how puny she looked

god love her}

& ended up in the emergency room

with a temp of 105

double ear infection

& croup

but mom got the christmas card picture that year!

but look at her pitiful little face

bad mommy

& speaking of christmas pictures

(i heard that collective sigh)

i'm a little conflicted this year

does anyone have any tips?

we usually send out over 150 cards

which financially adds up quickly

i'm bummed because either i'm dropping friends like flies

or folks are really cutting back on the expense

and we recieve less & less each year

anyway

i'm trying to decide if i want to do it again this year

i'm not sold out on any one pic in particular

i sent a collage type one last year....

but those were pricey

anyway

oh brother

i promised not to be wordy

grace.......

I believe the two most challenging phases of parenting occur during the toddler years & then again in adolescence. in both phases our child is gaining Independence. remember erikson's stages? in the ole' stage two, our toddler age child is bidding for autonomy. they are realizing that they are separate from mommy.
then you sort of cruise merrily through those middle years. seriously, has anyone ever said, "boy, once you get through the 9 year old stage, you're home free"
sure nuf, the tween & teen years can sorta hit you out of nowhere. that once placid, sweet child now can seem withdrawn, angry and moody.

whenever i decide to write about parenting, let me assure you, its coming from a mom that is desperately trying to get it right. not someone who has mastered this. i want to share a little bit of what the lord is currently working on in my heart.

i find it very easy to parent the daughter who is much like me. i understand the 'why' when she reacts the way she does. i know how she rolls. i get her.
but the child , or maybe 2 of mine whose make-up is much different than mine are much more of a challenge for me. when you factor in personality traits, birth order, love languages, & temperaments ( just to name a few) parenting my child effectively can seem like a very daunting task.

one area i feel the lord is really working on my heart is the area of grace.
i am by nature not a patient person. type A, first born, perfectionist, busy, & did i mention impatient. having a home that is full of grace is my ultimate & what most days feels like an impossible goal.

Grace Based Parenting by tim kimmel is an excellent book. much of what i'm writing today was gleaned from his writings or are his direct quotes.

back to adolescence~
"the real test of a parenting model is how well equipped the children are to move into adulthood as vital members of the human race."

"parents who embrace grace make their homes a safe place for average kids to develop into extraordinary people. weakness & inadequacy aren't a big deal" says kimmel.

children are going to need to know how to:
work hard
get along with difficult people
solve confusing problems
handle $
forgive
repent
fear God alot
fear their fellowman very little
laugh at the right time
cry at the better time
& be able to bring out the best in the people closest to them.

these characteristics won't just happen on their own. childhood should provide ample time as a parent to build assurances in my girls that they have been given all they need to take out into their world as an adult.

one conviction for me is the area of control. i don't want to try to control my girls environment so that its so structured with tight boundaries that when they leave the nest all i have exposed them to is children whose parents believe the same thing i do, who are in the same tax bracket , and even the same culture. the real world is nothing like that. i want to guide them~~ YES! but i want to equip them so that they have security in their hearts, signifigance in their lives & strength for their future . & they can fully rely on God's presence in their life...not the safety nets i've tried to place around them.

my prayer is that our home is a place where my girls are free to be "different, vulnerable & candid, and to make mistakes yet learn what the genuine love of God looks like".
that's a tough one for me, i'll be honest.
i want my girls to be well liked, well rounded, & spiritually grounded.
different? not really.
make mistakes? i'd prefer minor ones, the ones everyone doesn't have to hear about.
i'm pretty much all for the 'everything is just great kinda family'. but i must daily laydown what i want them to be, "who" i want them to be.
& i need to give them a little freedom too.
especially in this phase of development....personally i don't feel i need to be everyones room mom, team mom, be at each dance, offer to drive every carpool, attend every field trip.
they can spread their wings & honest to goodness, even be discipled or taught by another adult. i don't have to be the everything mom just to show them i love them. i can allow them their space & show them that they are trusted and that i have confidence in them...the 'them' away from me.

grace
"grace will keep me from clamping down on their spirits while they move through awkward transitions and walk through the valley of the shadow of adolescence".

grace
i want to dan & i to be parents that forgive.

grace
i want my marriage to be a lighthouse, permanently established to show my girls the way home

grace
i want my girls to feel loved...especially on the days when they are hardest to love

grace
when they screw up....i don't want to act surprised

grace
showing them sensitivity towards the battles that they face. especially the ones that i don't understand

grace
"realizing that christ didn't die for me because i had good qualities that were worth saving
but because i had bad qualities that left me without a prayer"


i'll leave you with one more word from tim
"you'll probably never know the profound impact that the giving of grace will have on your children's vulnerabilities but its obvious how much devastation can be wrought if you don't"

poppies? no~cosmo! who knew?

addendum to original post:

thankfully one of my bloggy friends corrected me

because clearly i don't know flowers

i love a good humbling moment for all to see!

one of the local highways features these amazing purple

--
(what i embarrassingly thought were poppies but now know they are)

cosmo
along its banks each year.

they are quite a sight.

sunday i was driving home from work with my mind running in a million different places. i was completely captivated when i came upon these glories in all their splendor.

these shots were actually captured a couple of years ago at the exact same time. & yes, many a commuter thought i was crazy doing a little impromptu photo shoot in the middle of the highway.

whatever

figured i'd share a few peeks of fall around our home~


i had really hoped to slap a huge monogram decal
on my big orange pumpkin that's nesting in the urn
but just haven't gotten around to it yet
we'll see





time to pull out the turkey transferware

& bake chocolate chip pumpkin bread

years ago i purchased loads

& i mean loads

of different seasonal laminated placemats
surely my teenagers won't think they're too mature for these cuties

my fave little posh velvet pumpkin

& a glittered one too

the fireplace

that might just hold anything

but a fire

the last of the sunflowers

my fave madagascar candle who was entirely too boring until i spruced him up a bit

hopefully its going to cool down enough

to wear my new boots that santa scored

he gave me the ok to enjoy them early!!

i sure love that boy!