loving on him...

 

i was sitting under our navy blue umbrella

watching him out in the crystal clear water

playing with two of the girls.

i soaked up that moment & pondered it the rest of our vacation.

while i know in my heart of hearts i married way out of my league

i never cease to be amazed how well he loves each of us.

he has never raised his voice at me.

he comes in everyday & "leaves it all" behind him.

always giving who ever needs it the most, his undivided attention.

he tells me he loves me dozens of times a day.

he sends me love letters in the mail.

he spends his saturdays and sundays with us, not out on the golf course.

nothing wrong with the golf course, he just told me years ago

that while he loves golf, the time and money involved would pull

him away from us. 

{ just a personal conviction. not a slam if your hubby is a golfer ;) }

he literally lays down his life for us.

every day.

 

dan's an assistant principal at one of the largest, most diverse highschools

in the southeast.

with over 3,000 students

his day is consumed with many hours spent involved in discipline.

he is under enormous stress right now. 

he's swamped, working 12 hour days. last week he went in on saturday and sunday.

yet he still spent some time with each of us over the weekend.

always making each of us feel so loved. so cherished.

many of the kids he works with come from backgrounds

& a homelife i can barely imagine.

even though he's involved in the discipline aspect of their day

he always shows them respect and grace.

he may be the only face of Jesus some of them will see that day.

he told me last night one of the students

who he doesn't really even know by name,

came up to him yesterday & said, "mr. knudsen, you're the best principal.

everyone likes you. even when we're in trouble, you always treat everyone nicely".

sometimes i wonder if the girls really understand

if they really comprehend

what an amazing man they have the privilege of calling daddy.

i hope they know they are seeing the tangible love of Jesus

in dan. every single day.

i know i see it...

one of the ways i try to love on him

is each night i try to be done with all my chores, phone calls, etc

& at least an hour before we turn out the lights,

we just hang out in the same room.

he may be watching the news or sports, or maybe even working

but i try to just "be" with him, maybe reading, maybe playing on instagram

but not all flustered & busy.

we just sorta wind down together.

i try to have our home tidy when he walks through the door

& even if i'm wearing a ballcap, i make sure i've freshened up.

i try not to bombard him with any and all issues right when he comes through the door.

we've tried, since we were first married, to each week have some time to ourselves.

while the girls were younger, that might have meant ordering take out

& spending time on the sofa watching tv after we tucked them in.

now a days we can head out to dinner on sunday evenings and just catch up.

i want to encourage you, no matter what stage of parenting you're in

if you're married,

to make time for him.

to make him the top commitment in your marriage...

not your kiddos.

while i totally understand after picking up babies, and holding little ones on your hip all day

while being emotionally drained from communicating with teens all afternoon

can leave you

over touched and emotionally spent

remember

to make the decision to make him the priority.

that will provide your babies, no matter their age,

the stability of knowing momma & daddy love each other.

they will lay their heads down each night with the security 

of their parents love.

~~~

& dan

i love you more today than yesterday
thank you for loving us unconditionally

all of me. always...

what i hope you know sweet girl....

 We will not hide these truths from our children;
    we will tell the next generation
about the glorious deeds of the Lord,
    about his power and his mighty wonders.He commanded our ancestors
    to teach them to their children,
 so the next generation might know them—
    even the children not yet born—
    and they in turn will teach their own children.
 So each generation should set its hope anew on God,
    not forgetting his glorious miracles
(psalm 78)

 

i remember vividly that celebration on august 22, 1997.

she was one.

she was a  happy & healthy, loved, toddler

i felt some tender sense of accomplishment

& security.

we were gonna be ok.

the scripture tells us to remind our children of the wonders He has done

the goodness He has given us.

so while some of you that have read my blog from years back will feel you've already heard this story,

it's really for em today.

again.

the story of her 

& how the lord blessed & kept her, and  how His face shines upon her.

i found out i was pregnant with you sweet girl &

we were overjoyed.

your sissy madison was only 8months old and savannah was about to turn 3.

days later daddy gregg would find a lump under his arm that would take his life

months later.

i was so worried about your safety while i carried you as i was exposed to chemo

and all the other things that come with cancer treatment.

we induced you on a week where daddy wouldn't be in treatment.

you looked, & still do, just like him!

the very night you were born

he began to get much worse, even needing care while we were in the hospital after your birth.

days later he began to display symptoms that the cancer had spread to his brain

& as you know, passed away when you were only 10 weeks old.

i had no idea how i was going to raise you three tiny little girls. alone.

but sweet emi, we never were alone.

the Lord saw every tear we cried & heard every prayer.

you three continued to grow & blossom into happy beautiful little girls.

while there are many ways i have failed you girls

there are so many things i've done wrong

however

there is one thing i pray that i've taught you...

you are never alone (psalm 23)

you were always in the palm of His hand ( isaiah 41.10)

He knit you in my womb (psalm 139) while sickness and fear were in our home

He knows the hairs on your head

& He has a plan for your life. ( jer 29.11)

i pray i have always reminded you of how good the lord is

& how he has blessed you ( numbers 6.24)

i called you my angel baby because i know the lord sent you as a 

light to remind me of all those same truths.

daddy & i are so proud of you & who you are

how you love on your friends

how you give the benefit of the doubt

how you are always happy

& most importantly, how you love the lord.

happy sweet sixteen little em

how i love you so...

 

 i will tell of the LORD's unfailing love. 

I will praise the LORD for all he has done. 

I will rejoice in his great goodness

isaiah 63.7

saying goodbyes & other laughing moments

my sweet abby girl is almost to texas by now.
she & her mama, one of my dearest friends,
packed up yesterday, heading to Texas Christian University.

if you've read my blog over the last few years
you've heard me share about abby.
i truly love this child as if she were my own.

i'm so excited for her to be heading out, bravely, to another state

all on her own!

abby girl, i'm praying for you.

while i'll miss you terribly, i look forward to seeing what all this next year 

will become for you!

i know you will do great things!!

~~~

it's truly a strange emotion when happiness and sadness are all mixed up together.
when you are genuinely happy for another person,
yet the thing you're so happy about for them
is actually something so tender, dare i say sad, for you.

at the risk of sounding ridiculously over dramatic
this time last year, when we took savannah to college...
that was without a doubt the second hardest season of my life.

i used to pride myself ( ha!) in the fact that i was not a sappy teary emotional person.
yeah. whatever.
those days are gone.

so that particular day,
i had pep talked myself into not crying in front of her.
we had done all we (the parents) needed to do in her dorm room
& it was time for us to leave.
i stepped out around the corner as the emotions began to overwhelm me.
i was not going to do that.
not there.

other parents were walking by
other , non-emotional parents & i was thinking,
 "what the heck? why aren't you a wreck too?
why are you looking at me like, oh, first timer?"
turns out,  i couldn't suck it up.
i walked around the corner to smk's room,
all red splotchy faced and all
& mumbled "bye sweetie".
it was ridiculous.

i cried off & on for weeks.
weeks i tell you.
actually i cry anytime i really think about it, a year later.

now let me explain.
i know she's happy & in a great place & technically not far away
&
i know this is just part of life.
my mind knows all of that.
but entering that phase, that phase that as parents we truly begin preparing for
from the day they were born
was finally here.
the leaving phase.
& that part, my heart still has trouble with
and
probably always will.

as  mamas we carry our babies who are completely dependent upon us for 40 weeks.
once we give birth & the cord is cut
we, in small tiny, yet monumental ways
prepare them for their independence, for their independence from us.

we wean them from breast to bottle
we potty train them & cheer when they can do it all by themselves.
we teach them to walk & do it all by themselves
we cheer as they cross each developmental milestone
we tell them they'll be just fine at school. all day. by themselves.
we continue to prepare them & encourage them in all they do.

& then we wake up one late summer day
& the car in the driveway is all packed up.
their bedroom is mighty empty.
they have their new, own address.
& it's time to go.
we cheer them on & tell them how proud we are of them
& they can do it.
all by themselves.
& you know what the funny thing is?

they already know this.
after all,
it's what we've been preparing them for all along...



truvy ( in Steel Magnolias) said,
"Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion."
joy & sadness all mixed together....
i might just have to agree

(abby's best friend is heading to UGA

& currently going through rush.

crossing my fingers she pledges AXO with savannah!)

god speed sweet abby!!

i love you!

compassion

 

i did a little light reading this summer.

the Hole in Our Gospel: What Does God Expect of Us?

& it completely wrecked me.

i picked up this book several months ago but life got busy 

 & it got returned to the library. unfinished.

then one of my good highschool buddies sent me copy

saying it had been a life changer for him.

life changer indeed.

i have never read a book like it

i actually started it months ago & trying to be all cool and a literary genius

i tried to read it simultaneously with a few others

but it grabbed my heart and attention.

i began to feel like an idiot for 'not knowing'.

for not knowing how millions, MILLIONS, of people live.

maybe i'm just too wrapped up in my safe & cozy

white slipcovered life of luxury

consumed with trips to target and playing my hobbies.

but now i know.

i may only know a little 

but i know

i know statistics

& i now know that while i may never be a world changer,

i can certainly change the world for one person.

one person at a time.

( i read 'kisses from katie' too which will also blow your mind. i'll share about that later)

i have followed compassion bloggers on various trips.

earlier this year i followed nester and her own life changing trip to tanzania.

i would lay my head down on my computer as the emotions just overwhelmed me.

i have a place in my heart for uganda.

i've been praying for months that somehow, someway

i'll travel to there.

many of our artisans are there & i want to meet them

hear their stories, take their photos &hug their necks.

there's also a special little fella there.

his name is brian...

 

i spent hour after hour on the compassion page

looking at the faces of so many beautiful children.

i figured we'd sponsor a girl

but as i looked only one little fella

was listed as living with his father only.

in an area with such a high percentage of HIV,

 i assumed maybe his mama had passed away.

well it was mother's day here in the states & i thought

clearly, he's the one we would sponsor.

meet brian, our little fella from uganda.

 

the day our packet of information arrived

i went to staples and printed his picture & made bookmarks for each of us 

i want us to commit to praying for him and his family every day.

a few weeks later our first handwritten note arrived from him!!!

 

we read about the ages of his sibling & with whom he lives.

he told us his favorite foods & what he loves to play.

and want to know another awesome thing?
now compassion has email set up

so you can email & send pictures!!!

 

he sent another letter last week

where the interpreter wrote that 

"brian and his family are thanking you for sponsorship and said that God should

bless you abundantly"....

bless me?

our little fella in uganda prayed that God would bless me?

how can that be?

i sat there all choked up and humbled

& tried to soak in the significance of those few words

and prayed that i will always carry the name of Jesus

& that brian will carry the name of jesus.

i prayed for his health & education

i prayed that God would reveal himself in a mighty way in the life of brian.

i prayed brian would be a leader in his community

and 

i prayed. one more time.

that one day i'll find a way to carry his name to uganda

& maybe 

just maybe

see the face of this beautiful child there

who prayed for me too.

Sponsor a Child

little women

a few years after caroline was born,

 i ran into a friend that had moved away 20+ years ago.

we were reconnecting via facebook

&

she said, "you did it! you had your little women".

apparently i had told her when i was 19 that i always wanted four daughters

& she actually remembered that statement.

i smile today just thinking that twenty seven years ago

i dreamed of a house full of girls.

~~~

~~~

i'll be honest.

i've thought many many times over the last several weeks 

about taking a blogging sabbath.

while i may blog about an occasional recipe

or a great new jewelry designer

those are all just things that fall under the umbrella

of lifestyle blogging.

 my lifestyle.

i wear it on my sleeve

& process many things by talking through them.

i'm in a sorta of rough patch relating with and to a couple of my girls right now.

i don't want to throw anyone under the bus

nor do i want to be a overdramatic chatter box

but i'm not sure that i want to process on a blog

that a couple thousand people visit a day

where i am & what i'm processing right now.

we all know, even if you haven't birthed a baby yet,

that parenting is not for the faint of heart.

parenting teenagers isn't easy

& parenting multiple teenage girls certainly isn't easy.

i've thought about stepping away for a while

yet

this blog is a huge vehicle for me professionally.

 while i have decided to continue blogging for now

you may see an intentional decrease in how i share some of my personal life

(or you may not notice it at all.)

nothings majorly wrong.

no one's dying or has run away.

 &

if i weren't so afraid that turning off the comments would delete all the past comments

i'd do that today too.

 i just wanted to explain where i'm coming from.

it takes a lot of emotional energy to be vulnerable

& right now i just don't seem to have it.

when things aren't right even my creativity is zapped.

personally i don't want my blog to just be businesslike

or all about "other" things

but it may be for a little while.

thanks for understanding & sticking with me anyway.

simple thoughts on a tough subject...

i wanted to address a couple comments i had a few weeks ago 

on the Choose Joy entry.

i sincerely thank each of you who commented

& especially my two readers who left such raw thoughts.

i won't quote them but you may refer to the comment section if needed....
 

in the entry, i had quoted kay warren's definition of joy:

"joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life,

the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be all right,

& the determined choice to praise God in all things."

a

"settled conviction about God

quiet confidence in God

& a choice to give praise to God"

i had a couple comments regarding god being in control of all (emphasis on the all)

the details of our life

or not.

& i will say my friend susan left a most fabulous, scripture filled response

that you can read here too

i'll be honest with ya'll

& give you my completely un-seminary based, very simple thoughts regarding this subject.

please don't throw tomatoes at me

as i don't do well with conflict.
this subject has been tossed around by theologians for years
so i will delicately give just a few thoughts
of my own. i know. funny right?

i believe in the word of God.

period.

i also know that no one, none of us truly understands His ways.

& we don't want to truly understand His ways right?

would we marvel & worship a God we have all figured out?

i think not.

so we base our beliefs on the written word

and to argue over how we interpret some of that seems futile.

so

back to the original question.

i personally do not believe God is in control of every single detail of our world.

he's been all about us having a free will since the garden of eden.

do i believe He's ultimately in control & can intervene in the thoughts
& plans of man at any time?

absolutely.

He's the creator.

 i'm just a mom. i'm just a simple person who trusts easily

& obviously has no problem being transparent and sharing my thoughts.

when i first read kay's definition 

i honestly didn't get tangled up in the "does he control every single detail". 

i believe he's in control of my life.

that i'm in the palm of his hand.

i do.

while i've never been on the front line of a war

i didn't survive the holocaust

or any other horrific , unimaginable situation

i have seen my share of death & dying.

i've watched many small children battle cancer

& i've sat beside them while they cried out in pain

& were scared to fall asleep because they were afraid they wouldn't awaken.

i've been with men younger than i am now when they passed away.

i've watched grown men lay helpless in a hospital bed while disease eats away their life

i've prepared bodies after their passing moments after their loved ones said goodbye.

& as you know, i watched my own awesome husband lose a horrific battle with cancer.

i've lost babies before i could carry them to gestation.

i've seen sadness

but i've never doubted  Him.

i've never doubted He is good

that while He created a once perfect world

and a once perfect everything,

i believe He loved & because He loved

He allowed a choice. our way or His way.

in my heart i believe sickness and death and cancer and all the crap in this world

is not from him.

it's a result

of our broken world.

it broke in the garden when "we" were given a choice

& "we" chose our way.

i believe that the entire plan was that of redemption.
all along.
i believe that He knew.
all of it. all along.
before adam breathed a breath.
as beth moore speculated in her hilarious, yet brilliant way just yesterday
it's as if He God, looked at Jesus just before He breathed in to adam
& said...
you sure about this?

because He loved

because He is holy & just

He had a plan. a way for redemption

& that including coming to earth in the form of a man

& bearing all the sin upon himself

& enduring a horrific death

so that there was a payment made for the sin. the bad choice "we made"

(john 19)

jesus's death as payment for sin was never plan B.

one day we will have a new heaven & a new earth

we will see Him face to face.

what we see & what we understand now

is tainted because we are NOT God.

we are the created. not the creator.

but back to the issue in my comment section~

personally

i don't believe He controls every detail of my day

& 

i don't get all out of whack trying to figure out if He made me choose my nailpolish

or not. that doesn't matter to me.

does He allow or does He send?

good grief.

i'll be honest.

bottom line,

i love Him & trust Him regardless.
did He send?
did He allow?
i love Him & put all my trust in Him.
regardless

i just do...

please don't all ruffled up with me or disappointed in my simplicity.

i am introspective

i ponder

i like to figure people out 

i like a plan

& i like "to know"

but as far as many things i believe spiritually

& about our heavenly father,

i'm pretty simple minded.

"I tell you the truth, 

anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child 

will never enter it."

mark 10.15

i love this blog.

this outlet for me to share.

and my friend, i love that you are here.

i pray my words never cause anyone to stumble

&

i pray my words are pleasing to Him.

~~~

{all the images today were from a senior session i recently had the honor 

of photographing.

i was so moved as this beautiful young woman gracefully danced

before me that evening & i thought they seemed perfect for this post.

i've spent a lot of time thinking through what & even if i might respond.

this images seem simple and so pure.

as i hope you know my thoughts are in sharing my heart...}