~~hope~~

up until march 1996 i had a lived a charmed life

i had a happy childhood

i loved my highschool experience

my parents were still married & obviously still loved each other

i was a young healthy mom

owner of my own small business

working as a nurse in pediatric oncology

i spent my weekend teaching aerobics & running 10k's

i was married to a wonderful man

my husband gregg was the vision of health

best friend to many

successful college career in track & basketball

a triathlete & an avid skiier

a brilliant teacher & a wonderful youth pastor

our world turned upside down when the doctor told us he had cancer

we might do well if he survived the 5 year mark

we ended up with 9months

i learned during those months what i could hope in

i could hope the doctors could heal him

i could hope the medicine would work

i could hope in the power of positive thinking

i could hope in being 'happy' & the "he's young, he'll beat this" said by many

i could hope in the fact that everything else in my world had always worked out

i could hope in pastors who preach health & wealth

who lead you to believe that praying hard enough

combined with the "all things work together for good"

will surely bring good health

but honestly i knew the only thing i could hope in was my heavenly father

in a God whose name & character was not

dependent on the outcome of gregg's battle with cancer

whose promises are true

whether everything is seemingly all right with the world

or when that world is actually crumbling down

i'm ashamed to admit this

but scriptures had always just been beautiful poetry

stories that while i was familiar with the characters

i didn't truly feel connected with god's word

there were many many days when i honestly felt i could loose my mind

i felt like i was walking a tightrope

where any slight change

or shift would cause me to come tumbling down

& never arise again

the cliche take one day at a time

was way too grand

i was barely able to take one hour at a time

would gregg have another seizure?

when would emi need to nurse?

was it time for madison to nap?

had anyone played with savannah?

did i pay the bills on time?

supper?

i asked friends to write out scriptures for me on 3x5 cards

i carried them everywhere

when i would sit at a redlight

my mind would start to wander

anxious thoughts would begin to creep in

i'd grab those scriptures & read them out loud

over & over

i knew i wasn't alone

i knew He was with me

i knew He cared about me & loved my 3 little girls

i didn't know what my future would hold

i never prayed for a new husband

not once

maybe i was afraid to put my hope in a seemingly happy ending

but truthfully i didn't want to put god in a box

i didn't want to have the mindset that falling in love again would

right all wrongs

would make my world perfect again

but amazingly he did send dan

i think most of you know how much i love this man

how much i don't deserve him

& all his goodness

but i want you to know

that even if he hadn't sent my sweet dan my way

i would still know He was with me

that He was faithful & true

that He is the only one true thing to put worthy of hope

i wanted to share this part of my story

for you in you are in a place that doesn't make sense

if you are in a place where you feel alone

or that the answer you're praying for doesn't seem to be the one you're hearing

you have someone you can hope in

i don't tell you these things because i think i did a great job during those years

i did what anyone else would do

get out of bed

breathe in

breathe out

take care of my babies

love those around me

& lean on Him

every minute

of every day

this was us

just a few weeks after gregg passed away

christmas 1996

& these were my baby girls that year

a few weeks ago my youth pastor asked if i'd do a quick video testimony

i'd love to share it with you....

please pause the playlist on the right

Stories of Hope-Paige from gfc.tv Videos on Vimeo.>