(written late friday night. posted monday morning)
i don't know what's come over me
it's midnight
& i'm awake
blogging & facebooking like i'm a night owl or something
little bit has come into our bedroom the last two nights with a raging fever
she feels better in the day time but bottoms out at night
the doctor told us today she just has a virus
poor thing
school starts on monday, 5th grade
& she's all puny
the last two evenings she's asked if she could fall asleep in our bed
while i'm reading & dan's sitting in his chair watching baseball & reading "Radical"
dan wanted to make sure that i had given her the green light "because these days are numbered"
yeah.no kidding
the last several days i've caught myself tearing up more than i EVER have
ever. period.
this sending away my first born
to live somewhere else
is killing me
& ya'll, i'm not trying to be funny
i like her
i really do like the young woman she's grown in to.
i like her here. with me. thank you very much.
i think once our children pass on through that awkward phase into the young adult phase
has to be one of, if not my absolute, favorite stage
no lie
i must be dysfunctional
& to be perfectly honest
i've searched my heart to make sure i'm not all "living through my child &all"
& i'm not.
what i am
however
however
is a mama
who wanted above all to be a mama
& i've come to realize, that i like all my baby children in my nest
while i'm not a hover mom
i don't need to be the team mom for every event they're involved in
nor do i attend everything they do
(not that there's anything wrong with that)
i try to give them some space
some elbow room
some elbow room
but living in a "different place" space is a whole new ballgame
i want to see them dressed up heading out the door
i want to hear who's dating who
& who said what
what their current favorite song is
& i want to cook their favorite dinner
& have them all around my table as much as possible
with their friends
i know my posts have been all sappy lately
but this is my heart
i love tonight
while little bit was trying to drift in to neverland
all three girls kept coming & going from my bedroom
chatting and laughing at different times
dan gave in and has sacked out on the floor ,for now, beside brinkley
while little bit dozes and snuggles up beside me
she smells like a warm buttered biscuit
i could just eat her up
savannah is down the hall, picking out rush outfits with bailey
& all is right with my world....
for tonight
So beautiful Paige.
ReplyDeleteIt's a time of big changes for you so I'm not surprised that you are feeling so emotional.
You seem to have a wonderful relationship with all your daughters....but (and don't quote me on this!) I do think there is something special about the firstborn. And I guess it's going to be that much harder cos we do everything first with them.
I love what you say about being a mama....which is why you have the best girls, girls who are going to fly and do wonderful things - while knowing where their home and their heart is.
Are Bailey and Savannah going to the same college? If not, they sure are going to miss each other aren't they ? :( XX
so sweet. i love having my kids home with me too. i think if you do your parenting job right, you like who your kids grow up to me. despite a few little bumps in the road. i know exactly how you feel.
ReplyDeleteWhat a sweet post! So hard to let the first ones go off to college.
ReplyDeleteHope Caroline feels better for the first day of school!
Janet
I'm sure the girls love spending time with you as much as you do with them. I can remember calling my mom from college just to say hi. A quick 10 min call to make sure all was right in the world (pre cell phones of course and the call was made from an icky payphone).
ReplyDeleteGood morning Paige! I know these are hard times for you. I'm sending hugs your way. You will get a feel for your new normal soon. And you will be okay sweet lady. Your Dan is so outnumbered, huh? Jim always says he a minority in the sorority. The only thing I can think of better than having 2 girls is having 4. Good luck this week.
ReplyDeleteDear Paige,
ReplyDeleteI hope Caroline is feeling better. Such a sweet picture of her.
Reading your posts this summer have been so poignant. They bring me back to a summer seven years ago. My heart was breaking, knowing that as happy as I was for Alexandra, I was losing a piece of her. It was supposed to happen that way, it is what I trained her up to do... but oh, I thought I might break in two.
Now, she is through college, an incredible woman, who, faced with Kenny's illness, has been such a source of strength for me.
You have loved your girls... they will flourish. Take care of yourself, and let those tears flow!!
Beautiful post my friend. Love the pic of Caroline - too cute for words. Hope she was better for school today. Good luck on Savannah leaving this week - I'm praying for you. xo
ReplyDeleteI wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. All the comments above mine say it much more eloquently than I ever could. All I can say is that I survived my chicks leaving and so will you. Yes, things will change and you will enter a different phase with them but you will ALWAYS be their mama.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's okay to cry...you'll feel better. Better days are ahead.
Hugs!
Judy
Oh these changes of our lives!! My 3rd just went back to college on Friday and I missed her SO badly yesterday as if it was the first year she left! I too like having my kiddos under one roof. My older 2 got married last summer but always come to dinner on Sunday evenings and it just was not "right" last night with Julianne back at school. Life just keeps on shifting:)
ReplyDeleteI am feeling your pain these days. I'm not sending my oldest to college, but I am sending her to middle school on the same day my baby is beginning kindergarten. It just doesn't seem possible that they could be this old!
ReplyDeleteoh girl i feel your pain. sending you a giant hug as you transition into your new normal. praying for your little bit to feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletei love this sweetie!
ReplyDeleteand that Dan, he is the bees knees... but you knew that already. ; )
xo
You are going to be fine, after the first couple of months, it just takes some adjusting. I am enjoying my daughter as well. She was just home for a weekend and headed back to finish up her summer internship. We went shopping for her interview wardrobe and it was fun thinking of how successful she will be and how she wants to build a classic wardrobe and have fun accessories, but she is sensible and confindent and has an amazing sense of humour!! It is a really fun time, so enjoy and remember not to be too sad!! I always try to fix her favorite meals when she comes home as well. Just relax and take a deep breath.
ReplyDeletewhat a sweet sweet post!
ReplyDeletemy little one will be starting kindergarten in a couple of weeks and i can feel it tugging on my heartstrings already...
your perspective and the things that you say are amazing!
Paige,
ReplyDeleteI feel like when I wad reading this we were have a cup of tea and you were just baring your most heartfelt feelings. I found myself kinda talking back to the screen. Silly me.
First of all, if all the girls are wandering in and out all night, YOU have done the BEST job as a Mom. They are teenage girls and they want to be with you. Pat yourself in the back right now, please.
I yearn for that. i yearn for more girls in my house actually. This post is so helpful to me because Will is 14 and truth be told, he is kinda driving us crazy. he is about a good as a 14 year old boy can be but still.Lord have mercy I want to slap him sometimes (I don't though). SO, I needed this. i needed to hear that we will come out the other side and I will really really like him again (LOL-I do like him most of the time). I needed to remind myself that even though he drives me nuts sometimes, I better enjoy it because he will be leaving too soon.
I love that you love making meals for your girls and hearing about who is dating who etc. Me too. I KNOW that S will still share all that stuff with you via text and email and phone calls. This is her time to fly. You have grounded her with love and faith and God and now she will spread her wings and be the woman God intended her to be.
I know it ain't easy but I also know that you will handle this transition/loss with the grace that you handle everything else. Hug your beautiful girl extra tight and I will be thinking of you and praying for you, friend. If I lived near you, I would be waiting on your doorstep with some comfort food/beverages, a box of tissues, a sunny bouquet of flowers and a big friendly hug when you got home from dropping her off. We would eat, talk, cry and laugh!
Love,
Kim
BIG, Big, big hugs, Paige.
ReplyDeleteoh I have this same post on my heart to write later this week...we take our guy to school on Sunday, and this Mama is NOT ready for it either. I have raised a teenage son, but I feel exactly as you do..I like him :), I enjoy having him around and our house will not be the same without him here EVERYDAY...oh who knew this was going to be so hard?? Thinking of you these next few days..xoxo
ReplyDeleteI can understand what you are saying..When my girls went off to school it was like a little piece of my heart went with them..While I wanted them to grow up and go off to pursue their dreams it became another chapter in my life I truly wasn't ready for..We were and are very close and my home like yours was the hub for them and their friends..All I can say is it does get easier..But I like you wanted to be a mom and truly loved every minute of it..And still do..My girls are both married now..One has a little boy that I have watched everyday since he was 6 weeks old..He is off to kindergarten this fall..So ya see it's just another chapter in my life..All you can do is make the most of every day and every special moment..Reflecting on those memories are what my husband and I do now..And we are always smiling and laughing when we do..They are the best memories anyone can have..
ReplyDeleteJanet
So sweet...You've done well my friend! I just keep tucking away all these little bits of very important information for the day I have children...I'm sure I'll reference your blog a lot when I'm in that season of life...you do it all so well.
ReplyDeleteGet well Sweet Caroline...I hope she was well enough to go to her first day of 5th grade...that's a big day!
Such a sweet picture of Caroline. I hope she feels better esp. with school starting.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't get any easier with the next one that will go off to school. I don't know how close your daughter will be to home. I had one go in our home state for a year then off to Colorado. The next one to N.C. the nest one was so excited when he got hisacceptance notice to Florida State. I said, That's not funny, go to your room." Oh yes, I did. (Oh we live in Ohio) But it is fun seeing them grow into adults. Every new phase brings wonderful memories. Hang in there. It will be tough and there will be tears but things will get easier.
You have such a way of making me stop and smell the roses. Our 4 children are 6,4,2, and 3 weeks. I am learning to hug and hold them more, to appreciate the messes that they make, to not freak out about things that don't matter.... Some day I will be where you and long for my little ones, my big ones. You are an inspiration. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI am exactly the same way, even tho I just have Beka; she is my only, I like having her here;in my nest. You have every right to be emotional right now, you should be; you wouldn't be normal if you weren't(i don't think).
ReplyDeleteI am thinking about you tonight and hope that tomorrow goes well. I know it will and you will be fine and Savannah will be fine.
I hope the first day of school went well for the girls today; I can't wait to hear how it went and see pictures! :)We always do a first day of school picture on the front porch.
Take care Paige!
Jodi
Dear Paige,
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy that you have been
blessed with these four girls.
You deserve it!
Hope Caroline is feeling much better.
Best,
CBO
I love your heart, Paige...so beautifully expressed in this post. Praying for you today. I know it will be one you'll always remember.
ReplyDeleteXo,
Linsey
Dear Paige,
ReplyDeleteI am just meeting you, I come from Simone..
You words really touched me, and that sweet picture of your daughter.
I just had my firstborn and I identify myself with you seing your a 'mama'...
About your girl leaving, just look on the bright side, look what she will achieve...you will be part of every single step...you will be the one she will trust the most no matter the phisical distance... Always!!
Nice to meet you, Eliana
your heart for your children is my heart for my children.
ReplyDeleteexcept, I'm entering into the interesting stage with my 11.5 year old BOY.
he LOVES that his armpits smell like onions. GROSS.
he LOVES that he is starting (barely starting but starting nonetheless) to grow hair in all the fun places. GROSS.
he kind of slumps over when he is in a crowd....cause he doesn't feel like he fits in anywhere.
can you tell that this stage is stressing me out a bit?
and by "a bit"...I mean it's stressing me out BIGTIME.
any advice? I know you have girls, but seriously, this mama needs help.
oh, okay, back to YOU....glad that your world seemed right on this night that you posted about. :)